I first wrote this post several weeks ago but didn’t have the courage to post it. Today I bare my soul to you. I feel like I’m in a very different place to where I was when I first wrote it. Today whilst there is still an air of melancholy there is also an air of thankfulness and celebration.
Reflections on January 5th.
Today I watched my daughter come alive, I saw her eyes light up, I heard her giggle and I saw her smile. I watched her become herself again, in a way that I haven’t seen in months. I don’t think she’s unhappy most of the time but it’s a long time since I saw her be so much herself. It saddens me to think that she isn’t like this more often but pleases me that at 6 she already has one friend with whom she’s truly herself. As I watched the 2 girls together for the first time in 4 months I couldn’t help but smile I have no idea what they talked about, the subject matter was irrelevant, the way they listened to each other and the broadness of their smiles said it all.
Later I tried to remember the last time I had truly felt myself, the last time I had really come alive, the last time I had giggled without worrying if anyone else thought something was funny too. and the sad thing was I couldn’t remember. I already have a long ‘I will do’ list for this year but spending time with the people who make me be truly me must feature on that list. I know there are people in my life that when I see them I am me, the years disappear and I don’t have to put on any act, I know I don’t see these people enough. If I am to find myself I need to prioritise seeing these people and remember the things I do that make me feel alive. One of those things is writing, I have always been better at expressing myself on paper than I am verbally. I love the challenge of finding the right word to say exactly what I mean and transferring things from my head into text. Whether anyone else reads those things is irrelevant, the act of writing is therapy for me.
What about you, what make you feel alive? Do you ever feel 100% honestly yourself or to paraphrase James Cracknell ‘do you spend too much time doing an impersonation of yourself?’ Saying and doing what you think others expect you to. What makes your face light up? And do you do it often enough? There couldn’t have been 2 happier girls in all the world this afternoon, who and what makes you the happiest person in the world?
After thoughts on February 9th,
I cannot remember much about being 6, but I can celebrate that someone I knew when I was 6 still makes me feel myself 30 years later. Along the way I have met other people who make me feel alive, a couple I met in my teens, a few in my twenties and several more in my thirties. I am eternally thankful to have them in my life and thankful that at the age of 6 my daughter has met the first of these people. My job as her mother must be to help her find the situations and the people that make her feel alive, complete and not judged.
Why don't you kids 